Beyoncé may croon that girls rule the world, but if that’s the case, then why the heck are we still tormenting ourselves by wearing high heels? Slapping those torture devices on our feet is like entering Christian Grey’s Red Room of Pain - without any of the pleasure. And that’s just one of the high heel problems all women understand. Here are 17 more:
1. Enacting the Artful Flamingo Stance
You know, when you’re subtly standing like a flamingo in an effort to put all of your weight on one foot while you give the other foot a break. And then switching and giving the opposite leg a break (which isn’t exactly easy to do, considering you’re balancing all of your weight on what’s practically a pencil for your feet).
2. When You Strike Oil In Your Louboutins
Trying to walk in the grass? Forget about it. Unless you’d like to make like Dallas characters and strike oil with those spikes.
3. Studying the Sidewalk Like You’re Taking the Pavement SATs
You can’t help but feel that walking anywhere in heels is like walking a tightrope while you’re drunk (time that feeling by 100 if you’re actually drunk). Therefore, for the duration of any walk in heels — whether it’s five feet to the front door or 10 blocks to the club — you’re studying the ground in front of you for any bump, crack or slightest change in slope to avoid the dreaded face plant. You haven’t stared at something so intently since Channing Tatum took the stage in Magic Mike.
4. Cursing City Planners
Do you believe that city planners actually slope sidewalks at an angle every time there’s a driveway? The nerve of those people.
5. Carrying a Backup Weapon
Just like the FBI, when things get too intense, you’ve got backup (i.e. the pair of flats you’re carrying in your bag, which unfortunately can’t be a cute little clutch because there’s no way you could fit your damned heels in there).
6. Knowingly Putting Feces In Your Purse
Speaking of carrying backup flats in your bag, you cringe every time you put those puppies in your purse because you know they’re covered with millions of bacteria from sidewalk-staples like dog poop, human saliva and other unmentionables.
7. Suddenly Ice Skating When You Lose a Heel Tip
One minute you’re walking like a champ, the next, that tiny plastic sucker on the bottom of your heel pops off and you’re sliding on a metal stake like you’re competing in an ice skating championship — and failing miserably. Chances are, you forget to repair the dang thing and do it all over again ... multiple times. Take that, Michelle Kwan!
8. The Unexpected Long, Romantic Walk
You’re secretly patting yourself on the back for enduring several hours in those sexy stilettos during a date with a Brad Pitt lookalike when suddenly he suggests taking a long, romantic walk. Curse him and romance! This relationship is over before it started.
9. Facing Cobblestones of Death
Remember that time when you wore your stilettos to the stylish areas of SoHo and Paris? Nope, because it never happened. Ain’t no way a girl can successfully manage walking on cobblestones in heels. Well, without dying or landing in the hospital anyway.
10. Painfully Enduring Another 10,000 Steps to Avoid a Hill
Each step burns your feet like you’re walking on fire, but you’ll gladly tack on more to avoid any large changes in sidewalk or street tilt. You worry you may die of a heart attack if you’re faced with a serious downward slope with no escape route. How do chicks in San Fran deal?!
11. Giving Yourself the Silent Pep Talk
“You’re doing great. You’re a sexy Kardashian queen! A mistress of stilettos!” you chant to yourself as you navigate the streets in your heels, hoping for dear life the silent words will act as a barrier between the sidewalk and your face.
12. Choosing Shoes Depending On How Long You’ll Walk/Stand
“Ok, how much walking will I really be doing today?” you think to yourself as you mull over your footwear options. You SO want to wear your wedges, but those flats would be much more comfortable, right?! Nah, the wedges are actually super comfy. So you think ...
13. Feeling Like An Idiot For Thinking “This Pair” Is Comfy
“Yeah, I’ve totally worn these before and I can walk in them for hours,” you think as you step out the door. Fast forward to 20 minutes later. “Damn it! Why did I think these heels were comfortable last time?! Obviously they must have gotten smushed in the closet and changed shape or something.” Another 20 minutes later. “I. Am. So. Freaking. Stupid!! WTF was I thinking when I chose to wear these harbingers of death?” And then you circle back to Heel Problem #11 as a coping mechanism.
14. Stinking Up the Dinner Table
That moment when you hope the chef screwed up and overcooked those roasted Brussels sprouts because their dirty feet smell will help mask yours, seeing as how you just took your heels off under the table.
15. Taking An Hour To Climb Metal Stairs
Hey, it’s not your fault the stupid little holes in the stairs perfectly match the diameter of your heel and you get stuck in a grate with every step. In fact, you’re seriously planning on suing the owner of said stairwell because now your heels look like you took a cheese grater to ‘em.
16. Your Friends Call You “Driving Miss Crazy”
They say operating heavy machinery like vehicles is a bad idea when you’re under the influence of certain medications, but you’re pretty sure driving after a dose of Robitussin isn’t nearly as bad as driving in your Manolo Blahniks. Watch out, world — whether you brake on time or not depends entirely on whether you angled your heeled-foot correctly without (gasp!) scratching the back of those expensive puppies.
17. Owning A Collection of Heels You Never Actually Wear
Each pair seemed like a good idea in the store, but every time you go to put on shoes for the day, you find yourself saying, “Eh, screw it. I’m too lazy to wear those,” and opting for flats, instead. Because really, just having a beautiful collection of sky-high heels in your closet is enough to make you feel sexy — as long as the door is open and the collection flaunts itself each and every time you have a visitor.